April 13, 2009 10:30 PM

Finding myself by getting lost

I have one more year before graduating, before the culmination of my educational career thus far. And much like many of my high school class of '05, the concern is what to do once that phase of life is over. For most people it's either find a job or grad school. But for me, I don't see either of those as an ideal option. I want to explore...not only the world but primarily myself. And that is where the Peace Corps comes in.

How hard it is to answer the question "Who am I?" Let alone, what I want to do with my life. I may acknowledge my passion for the environment but what to do with that passion is another question. And I don't feel I can take a step forward without answering that. Thus, I have concluded that the best way to find myself is by getting lost.

What exactly does this entail? There a number of routes I can take but it's the Peace Corps that won me over. What better way to get lost than to leave my world of familiarity and predictability for a world completely strange to me. Full of unknowns and nothing for me to depend on, at least immediately. A world where all I have a familiar sense of is myself. Yet as fulfilling as this experience potentially is, I find myself terrified of committing to something so beyond me. Of leaving everything and everyone that I hold dear and comforting. Of not having the sense of security of being able to predict almost everything in my current world before it happens. On having people, situations, outcomes that I can rely on. Leaving it all and bringing only whatever scrap of personality I have developed. Leaving it all for a world that may not accept me. And, most importantly, leaving it all to find myself.

A good friend of mine told me that if it's scary, it must be good. The thought of this terrifies me incredibly, almost to the point of debilitation. I'm going through the motions of committing to the Peace Corps yet I feel that with each step I do it with force upon myself. A big part of me is so scared of it that I don't want to go through with it. Yet, I feel that such a step is necessary for me to progress in my own personal development. And it is by this logic that I continue to push myself towards commitment.

It still scares the shit out of me.
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"Strength and Independence"


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